Just got back from my last driving lesson. I'll miss my instructor, he is a nice n good teacher :D. After 1 week of slacking (i mish slackerzz~~), i was not able to do the hill practice. Only twice i managed to stop at the right point. hahahha..thats wat happen when u stop practicing. but i was good on the road. what i fear now is that wicked hill~ lol
plus my palms turned sore after the driving. it feels so rough n its stinging!! huuuuu~~ my hands turned quite red now..while driving the sunshines were straight at me!! hukhukhuk.. my skin is sooo sensitiveeee!! waaaaa!! while steering around the practice area i saw other students doing parking. one of them knock down few poles n i heard the instructor yelled out 'haa! habis runtuh tiang rumah', i laughed in the car. well not trying to be mean, but i was bored going round n round the area. anyhow, the test will be next week n i admit that i'm freaking out!! hahaha.but then i hv to write letter to the JPJ applying for my JPJ test. cuz if i want it to be done faster, i hv to make an appeal -_-"! wanted or not hv to do so~~

Last night, my heart suddenly went sober..i chatted with Josy n Chaa, my head reminded back the past few months 'tragedies'..i couldnt swallow all of that like i did recently, after all i've been through now it came back in my vision. In reality, i can't deny all that, i can't just forget it nor simply close my eyes to those matters. No, i can not..all of that still ache my soul in every way..i listened to 'Pink-Who Knew' many many times, qeyla was behind me..i hide my sudden sobs, i tried to hide it..while i chat with josy n frère, my heart felt sooo heavy..i just wanted to be hug..warm hugs..but that hug are too far for me to reach. when chaa said, 'afif be stroong k!', her cheered up face appeared in my mind..lol..thanx chaa for that. :D then qeyla wanted to spray the room, i went out n sit with anis. Msging with meme, i told him that i was sad. especially bout the uni thingy..huhu..then i felt so lazy to type, n went to call him..when i opened my mouth tears just start flowing out..ahahha, but i managed to control it, somehow :P.
after we talked, i felt much better. load trucks of thanx meme for that ^_^!!

it made me wonder why..why everything has to be so hard..so hurtfull..so upsetting..was told to be independent, i am being independent n do mostly evrything on my own. considering others too, their time, their privacy n all..but then, they think i did that cuz i wanna do something else n enjoying myself..still, i did not blame them for that..every1 has their own perception n their mouth is their mouth..u cant changed it..it sore my ears n heart..being caring n understanding is indeed a bad thing to do n in this situation, its really true when ppl said ignoring is a bliss. i remember when Ryuu told me, that if i keep on being kind n all one day i'll go BOOM. believe it or not Ryuu-kun, it is true. after i did that n this on my own, progressing on the road of being independent but then the construction were block by some persons n tooked over by them..plus all ur works were crushed back to the core..its true u might made a mistakes n showed ur flaws, every1 made mistakes n thats how we learn to grow up..but still it thrusted into my soul badly,.
telling me to do this n that..saying that i was such a fool..disagreeing,disapproving with everthing i did..to the point where i decided to let go one thing that is part of my happiness. how devastating that felt..every night i cried till my hands n feet were numbed. my lungs gasping for air and my eyes puffed from all the bleeding..it lasted for almost 2 months, n day to day it became worst. all this time i tried to bury all of that. but i can't, the smile n laughter r just a feign image of this despair life. when i listened to 'Who Knew', it reminded me of everything dat happened...the verse 'untill we meet again' always make me feel
sigh..guess i just hv to bear all of these n stay strong. i can't disappoint myself nor will i do that to the persons i've promised. i teribbly miss them..especially mom n dad.hope they r doing great. what i knew is(so far) only 3 ppl knew how sensitive i am.. i was happy when my friends wanted to go out this decmber n to celeb some of my frens' b'day. will that happiness be taken away too? i wonder...heh..i guess i better stop writing all of this sad things. crying won't help anything.. right right? ^^

oh well..the journey r still ahead n more 'quests' to be done..all i need right now is mountain amount of tolerance and endurance. i am better off being by myself n with the persons i love. just be strong afifah!!! aargh now my head is freaking throbbing!!